Heather Monahan on Reclaiming Confidence After Being Taught to Shrink

In a recent LinkedIn post, Heather Monahan shares a powerful personal narrative about the nature of confidence, arguing that it is not something to be built, but rather something to be reclaimed after it has been eroded by external pressures. Monahan details her own journey, recounting how years of being told to “tone it down” and “not step on toes” led her to internalize a sense of diminished self-worth, despite possessing inherent confidence.

The Erosion of Self

Monahan recounts a period of 20 years where she actively suppressed her own voice and ideas, a pattern she initially perceived as normal. She explains the subtle, yet damaging, effects of this suppression on her sense of self.

“I was a confident person who had spent 20 years being taught to shrink. Tone it down. Don’t step on toes. Wait your turn. Stay in your sales lane.”

According to Monahan, this constant pressure to conform and make herself smaller for the comfort of others was not just a passive experience, but an active “erosion” of her identity. She highlights specific instances of self-sabotage born from this conditioning, such as staying silent in meetings despite having solutions and allowing others to take credit for her contributions.

The Catalyst for Re-emergence

A pivotal moment in Monahan’s journey was being fired from a position. This event, often viewed as a setback, unexpectedly became the catalyst for her confidence to return. Freed from the environment that had fostered her suppression, Monahan found herself able to shed the imposed limitations.

Unlearning Limitations

Monahan posits that the true barrier to our potential lies not in our inherent identity, but in our perceived limitations. She states:

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you aren’t.”

This realization marked a turning point, enabling her to stop conforming to external expectations and instead embrace her true calling. The post then lists a series of significant achievements that followed this shift, including writing books, signing with a major publisher, launching a podcast, being recognized as a top keynote speaker, and securing a board seat.

Confidence as Ownership

Monahan draws a clear distinction between rented security and owned confidence. She argues that while security can be temporary and dependent on external factors, confidence is an intrinsic possession that can be reclaimed.

“Confidence isn’t something you build. It’s something you un-learn losing. Security is rented. Confidence is owned.”

The core message from Monahan’s post is that many individuals, particularly women, are conditioned from an early age to minimize their presence and impact. Her experience serves as a testament to the idea that by identifying and discarding these learned behaviors, one can rediscover and reassert their innate confidence, leading to profound personal and professional growth.