The Cost of Unseen Suffering: Emily Lyons on Navigating Grief and Judgment

In a recent LinkedIn post, Emily Lyons explores the often-harsh societal reactions to personal suffering, drawing from her own profound experience with grief. Lyons highlights how quickly people can focus on the outward manifestations of distress rather than the underlying pain, leading to judgment and isolation for those in crisis.

Lyons recounts a period following her sister’s death, during which her own behavior changed drastically. She describes becoming withdrawn and difficult, admitting, “I disappeared. I stopped answering. I drank too much. I wasn’t myself. I was hard to reach and harder to be around.” Yet, as she points out, the underlying reason for this shift was often overlooked by those around her.

“Grief taught me how fast people will discuss someone’s behaviour before they consider their pain.”

This experience led Lyons to a stark realization about societal expectations during times of hardship. She argues that there’s an implicit demand for individuals to navigate immense personal struggles—such as death, illness, divorce, or financial ruin—while maintaining social composure and availability.

The Social Pressure to ‘Move On’

According to Lyons, the expectation for individuals to “move through death, illness, divorce, depression, financial ruin and betrayal while remaining pleasant and socially available” places an undue burden on those already in pain. She contends that when people inevitably falter under such pressure, their struggle becomes a new source of judgment.

The Double Burden of Suffering

“And when they can’t manage it, we make their response to suffering one more thing they have to survive,” Lyons writes, emphasizing the secondary trauma inflicted by social condemnation. This perspective challenges the common tendency to critique someone’s coping mechanisms without understanding the depth of their adversity.

Lyons urges readers to consider the unseen battles others might be fighting. She posits that someone in their social circle could be experiencing their “worst year right now,” and their withdrawal, curtness, or perceived rudeness might be symptoms of deep emotional distress.

“Someone in your life is going through their worst year right now. You may already know who. They’ve gone quiet, or short, or strange, or maybe a little rude.”

The author stresses that in such situations, the narrative circulating among friends or colleagues might paint a negative picture of the suffering individual, further isolating them. Lyons’s own experience taught her the value of genuine, albeit sometimes silent, support.

The Power of Simple Presence

Reflecting on the few individuals who maintained contact during her most challenging year, Lyons notes that their support wasn’t necessarily about having the perfect words.

“The few people who checked on me that year are still in my life. Most of them had nothing useful to say. They messaged me anyway. You don’t have to know what to say.”

This insight underscores a crucial point: the act of reaching out, even without a solution or comforting platitude, can be profoundly impactful. Lyons’s post serves as a powerful reminder to approach those struggling with empathy and understanding, recognizing that their behavior is often a consequence of pain, not a personal failing.