Why ‘Dimming Yourself’ is Bad Dating Advice, According to Matchmaker Emily Lyons

In a recent LinkedIn post, Emily Lyons, a matchmaker specializing in top-tier clients, challenges the pervasive dating advice that encourages high-achieving women to “soften” or “dim” themselves to appear more attractive to men. Lyons argues that this advice is not only outdated but fundamentally misaligned with what successful men are actually seeking in a partner.

The post details an interaction with a surgeon who, despite her professional success, was advised by coaches and social media content to appear less intimidating. This surgeon sought guidance from Lyons, who has 12 years of experience matching high-profile individuals, on whether she should downplay her accomplishments.

“The ‘soften yourself’ content economy has a problem. The men they are invoking do not exist the way they are describing them.”

Lyons directly refutes the notion that successful men prefer partners who appear “small” or “soft.” She draws on her extensive experience working with founders, CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, and other highly accomplished individuals. According to Lyons, these men are rarely looking for a partner who will diminish herself.

The Reality of What Successful Men Seek

Lyons asserts that the prevailing narrative in some dating advice circles is detached from the reality of the men her clients are. She highlights that the men she works with, who possess significant professional and financial success, are not seeking partners who are less ambitious or accomplished.

Passion as a Key Trait

Instead of requesting a “soft” or “small” demeanor, Lyons states that the men she encounters are typically looking for a partner who demonstrates passion and engagement in her own life, whether that be in her career, business ventures, or personal pursuits.

“When I ask what they actually want, most of them say a version of the same thing. A woman with passion for anything. A career, a business, a life.”

This observation, Lyons suggests, is not coincidental but rather a consistent pattern. She posits that a man who advises a woman to “dim herself” may not be the man with genuine options, but rather someone insecure about her potential or her success.

Dating Advice vs. Real-World Preferences

Lyons criticizes the dating advice industry for promoting a version of masculinity that is out of step with the preferences of the men who are actively seeking relationships with high-achieving women. She argues that this industry is conditioning successful women to perform for an audience that no longer exists or is not representative of the partners they are trying to attract.

“The dating advice industry has been selling women a man who is not the man hiring me to find them. They are training a generation of high-achievers to perform for an audience that left the theater years ago.”

To illustrate her point, Lyons shares the outcome for the surgeon. After receiving Lyons’s advice, the surgeon did not change her approach. She is now dating a man who builds satellites. On their third date, he specifically complimented her hands, indicating an appreciation for her physical presence and perhaps the dexterity associated with her profession, rather than being intimidated by her career.

Your Career as a Filter

Lyons concludes that a woman’s career or professional achievements should not be viewed as an obstacle in dating. Instead, she frames it as a valuable filter.

“Your job is not the obstacle. It is the filter.”

This filter, according to Lyons, helps to identify partners who are secure, appreciate ambition, and are genuinely attracted to accomplished women, rather than those who are threatened by it. Her insights offer a counter-narrative to advice that urges women to compromise their professional identity for romantic prospects.