The Impact of Experience Over Intent in Communication, According to Janet Kim

In a recent LinkedIn post, Janet Kim explores a crucial distinction in communication: the difference between intended meaning and the actual experience of the recipient. Kim uses a personal anecdote to illustrate how well-intentioned words can lead to unintended hurt, emphasizing that leadership communication must consider the receiver’s perspective above all else.

The core of Kim’s argument centers on how messages are received. She highlights that while individuals often judge their own words based on their intent, others perceive those same words through the lens of their own experiences. This divergence can create significant misunderstandings, particularly in professional settings.

“Most people judge their words by what they meant. Other people judge them by what they experienced.”

Kim recounts a story her mother shared, illustrating this point vividly. Her mother, wanting to be considerate of a friend who claimed not to be hungry, offered her an apple. From her mother’s perspective, this was an act of thoughtful accommodation, avoiding pressure for a full meal. However, the friend experienced this gesture as unwelcoming and hurtful.

This anecdote serves as a powerful example of the communication gap Kim describes. Her mother’s intention was to make her friend comfortable, but the friend’s experience led her to feel the opposite.

The Weight of Words in Leadership

As Janet Kim points out, this dynamic is especially potent in leadership roles. Leaders’ words carry inherent weight, and their impact is not solely determined by the leader’s intentions.

“That’s the part people miss. Words don’t land based on your intent. They land based on someone else’s experience.”

Kim argues that leaders must be acutely aware that their communication will be interpreted through the experiences and perceptions of their team members. This means that even a seemingly minor comment can have a significant emotional impact, shaping how an employee feels about their work environment and their place within it.

Understanding the Emotional Resonance of Communication

The lasting impression of communication, Kim suggests, is not in the precise wording but in the emotional residue left behind. While people may forget the exact phrases used, they remember how those words made them feel. This emotional impact is what truly shapes relationships and perceptions.

“You won’t get it right every time. No one does. But people rarely remember the exact words years later. What they remember is how those words made them feel.”

Kim concludes that understanding this emotional dimension is key to effective leadership. Recognizing that words have a ‘cost’—an emotional and relational price—encourages more mindful and empathetic communication. By prioritizing the recipient’s experience, leaders can build stronger, more trusting relationships and foster a more positive and productive environment.